Hey! You’re Dating a Loser!

He’s the love of your life! The two of you seem to bond on every emotional level unlike any person you’ve ever dated in your life. When you’re away you can’t wait to get back to him. When he’s away you count the days until he arrives. And in the bedroom? My God! The two of you are like well-oiled machines. He completely crushes all of your previous lovers. He knows how to scratch all of your itches. There is simply no competition. This is quite simply the best boyfriend you’ve ever had.

Well… except for this one issue.

He’s a total freaking loser! And when you say loser you mean with a capital ‘L’. The guy just can’t get his crap together.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

When it comes to his profession, he’s been fired from more jobs than four guys put together. For some reason all of his jobs decided to “downsize” and he inevitably always seems to get caught up in the exodus.

Every day when you arrive home from work he’s in the same place that he was last night; the freaking sofa, sucking beer out of the can like it’s Glaceau Vitamin Water. Shaving? Forget it. He keeps a Paul Bunyan beard like it’s the latest fashion trend. And no matter how often you try to lose that old shirt he’s always wearing at the bottom of the laundry, every day it magically finds its way back on his back (sometimes smellier than the first time you tried to send it to laundry exile).

He’s a complete friggin’ loser! Your parents tried to warn you. What was it that your mom said?

“Babe, he’s nice but maybe he could use just a little polishing.”

And she said that on the first meet! Your father just sat and glared disgustingly at him during the entire dinner, only answering in simple yes and no answers.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

You could actually see your dad’s imagination running wild. You could see visions of him physically tossing your man out of the house playing out over and over in his eyes.

When you go out to eat, guess who’s paying? You! He’s infinitely broke with no signs of $2.00 in his immediate future. Remember that one time you left a $15.00 tip for the waiter and went to the bathroom? Remember how you decided to peek around the corner to make sure the waiter got it?

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

What did you see? Your scrub dude sliding $10.00 into his pocket! No wonder the waiter gave you the dirtiest look as you were exiting. You’re sure you won’t eat there again or he might spit in your food.

Your bum of a man doesn’t have any friends. Well…. No friends that you would consider besties. I mean, there’s Jimmy, the guy who fixes your car. Your man spoke to him regularly. But then you discovered that it was only because they planned on joining forces online in their latest Call of Duty Playstation battle. I mean, if Jimmy has that much time to be uniting online with the other losers, he’s one fish sandwich away from unemployment too, right?

Your friends hate your man. There is no hyperbole.

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

They hate him and want nothing to do with him. And to top it all off? Although you and your man have become very close you have this nagging suspicion that it was his plan to move in with you to ease his financial burden. How shady is that?

So what do you do in a situation like this? Your man is a complete scrub. We’re talking the singing group “TLC” definition of a scrub; no talent, no prospects, no self-respect and no future. What are you to do?

Contrary to what most people think I personally believe the critique should begin with you. Why didn’t you see this for what it was in the beginning? There were signs. Gigantic ones. Why did you choose to look past all of those red flags? What is in you to allow such an individual in your life? Was the sex so good that you chose to overlook all of your other needs? Or were you so desperate to have a man that you were willing to “settle” no matter the cost?

While all of these are pressing issues you need to resolve, they all take a backseat to that huge pile of supposed nothing sitting on your sofa. Let’s assume you want to keep the man, minus the inactivity. Here are 5 Things You Can Do if Your Man is a Loser:

  1. Have an honest discussion: No problem between two people can ever be fixed if one party is unaware of what the problem is. You have to have a meeting to air your grievances.
    Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

    Without beating him over the head too badly, lay out your problems with his behavior, one by one. He needs to know what a huge pile of rocks he’s become. But be prepared. He may or may not be able to have such an adult conversation and things may move towards an argument. No matter what happens, hold fast to your issues with him. Do not waiver.


  1. Set joint goals together: Now I’m only assuming you want to keep this guy. If you don’t, your options become much easier. But if you do want to keep him, lay out plans together. Set goals.
    Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

    If a goal isn’t met, find out why there was a failure. Was it because he doesn’t want to wake up during the hour of us normal gainfully employed people or was it a real accident? Document closely successes and failures. Build a list of things you hope to accomplish as a couple and keep them.

  1. Encourage him through positivity: Once you’ve had your conversation with your man, things may be tense for a while. But don’t let that sway you. Stay on target. Remind him through daily forms of encouragement. You don’t have to nag him like, “Remember that conversation we had about how you’re a lazy no-good bum”. Nah, don’t do that. But you can remind him every morning of what the two of you agreed upon by saying something like,

“Hey. I know you’re going to have an awesome day today with your job search. I can see the energy in you. Let me know if I can help.”

I know it’s corny, but everyone eats their veggies better with a little salad dressing. Just shoving the raw truth down anyone’s throat will make them shut down and could cost you your relationship.

  1. Get more involved: No man likes to be told by a woman how to be a man. That can get you cursed out. But it’s nice if your woman involves herself and seems genuinely interested.
    Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

    Take a dip into his world. See what he’s up against on an emotional level. Inactive men are often depressed men. Maybe you could be that ray of light to break him out of the darkness. Try to see his perspective on a few things. I didn’t say you should tolerate status quo. Don’t do that. But it won’t hurt for you to talk about what makes him tick. It might be something that is easily repaired through love.


  1. If all else fails….dump him: I hate to say it but some people just can’t be fixed. The magnetism between their butt and the sofa is just too strong.
    Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.com

    Why go out and get a job when she can pay for everything? Why bother shaving or working out when you’re in a relationship? She won’t mind it that you have a bubble gut, as long as the sex stays good.

If he holds these kinds of positions, you may be better off just throwing is silly tail out with the garbage. There’s nothing worse than a bad relationship except a bad relationship financed by one person. You don’t need his help if your goal is failure. Throw his scrub butt out and get a new one. And if he doesn’t want to leave trust me, your dad has been fantasizing about transforming that bumb into the fattest human projectile in your neighborhood. Good riddance!