10 Things Nobody Tells You About Marriage

Marriage. You’ve heard so many things about it. Some good. Some bad. If you were to speak to some young twenty-something fresh out of college, the first thing they’d tell you is that’s where they want to be in 2 or 3 years. If you were to speak to a married person beyond the age of 50 they’d probably tell you to avoid it at all costs.

You just don’t know what to believe. The radio is equally confusing. On any given day during any hour you can hear a million songs about love and commitment and never leaving. Switch the station and you can hear a ridiculous amount of “player for life” songs that take a gigantic squat on the institution of marriage. They love being single and the songs reaffirm their commitment to the “love as many as you can” movement.

But I can guarantee you; there are almost no sources of information about the disgusting things in marriage. You know, the nitty-gritty. There are things so vile and repugnant that if you heard about them you’d want to run the opposite direction.

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If anyone you dated spoke to you about the truths of marriage, the real truth, you’d never want to go on another date with them again. We’re talking vomit in your soup type nasty folks.

It can’t be that bad right? Surely I’m over reacting.

The truth about the matter is the churches will never come out and admit this stuff. The bible barely touches it. I mean there’s a hint of how bad things are in the marriage vows.

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They use the phrase “in good or bad” but that doesn’t get specific. Statistically speaking, the courts can’t hide how much these truths have affected the divorce rate but let’s keep it real; they’re definitely not advertising it.

So what are these things that go bump in the night? What are the dirty, filthy, nasty truths about this union that we’ve been misled about?

Here are 10 Disgusting Facts about Marriage That You Didn’t Know:

  1. Your spouse will steal from you: You’re supposed to share everything in a marriage, right? That’s what they tell you. But some people take this stuff too far.
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    Be prepared to learn the meaning of Communal Ownership within the confines of your home. Nothing is yours any more. Your husband is going to go in your purse. Your wife is going to try to crack the code to your cell phone. Violation of privacy is a daily operation.


  1. Your beautiful wife farts: Your wife is the most beautiful person you’ve ever known. When you were dating she always smelled like a billion roses. When you spent the night at her apartment she slept like a beautiful angel. Guess what? You messed up and married her. Do you know what that means? She’s human.
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    So after that bowl of cheese dip she sat with you and ate, there’s going to be some problems. And those problems are going to make themselves known at around about 1am. Oh you’ll try to ignore it but you can’t. When that huge funk cloud comes out underneath the sheets, it sticks to the sheets like tape. And it won’t go away for a few hours. So if you’re one of those types of dudes that likes to sleep with his head under the covers, I sure hope you have a guest room.

  1. Dragon breath kisses: Have you ever watched one of those movies where a couple spends a whole night getting freaky and then wakes up in the morning to kiss? They kiss so romantically don’t they? It’s as if they both slept with peppermints in their mouths. Isn’t that cute?
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    But in the real world it doesn’t work like that. Not at all. If you wake up and decide to give your spouse a kiss, it’s going to be a very filthy affair. We’re talking about that funk train folks. His breath is going to smell like he’s been drinking some dumpster juice with fish. And her breath? It’ll smell like she licked a toilet bowl with the ingredients unflushed. No joke. But let’s say that you have one of those romantic people that absolutely must have that morning kiss. On top of the dumpster/toilet smell, throw in some pubic hair or some 8 hour fermented bodily juices. Because more than likely the two of you got busy last night and you performed at a decent level. Now that’s a seriously nasty mixture to contend with.

  1. Granny underwear: Did you really think that all women wear are cute panties and matching undergarments? Please! One day plan on walking into your bathroom and seeing those granny drawers hanging over the shower railing. And you know what?
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    If it were just that the average man could handle it. But I don’t care who she is, I don’t care how often she bleaches, I don’t care how often she scrubs, those bloomers are going to have blood stains. That’s right fellas. We’re talking period residue. And when you’re in the middle of showering, you’re going to have more than one or two brushes against those stank panties. Gross!

  1. The change below: You shave your pubes on the regular. It makes sex awesome and it makes things neater when you wear a certain kind of lingerie. Cool. But as time moves on sometimes people let those old habits slide. And what they discover as time passes on is that father time has a sense of humor.
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    Your jet black hair that always grew back too frequently has now been replaced by mixture of gray and black pubes. That’s right. Graying pubes. So you either have to keep that routine of cutting them completely off or you have to explain to your wife the reason she found a gray in her toothbrush.

  1. Men are pretty darned gross: You’ve always known about the disgusting things that men do. I mean you’ve heard it from your girlfriends and sisters. You were always thankful that you had a man that didn’t have those sick ways. That is… until you marry him.
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    Guess what? Remember how you always found the keyboard keys a little slick to the touch? Remember how your husband always said he changed his hand towel every 2 days because of his cleanliness? Well one day you decided to come home from work early to surprise him and those great mysteries were solved. You found him getting busy….alone! Your man has a nasty film stash to rival 10 men combined. Pretty shocking!

  1. …but so are women: One day your wife leaves before you do to go to work. You left your car keys in your pants pockets from yesterday and you run upstairs to grab them. That’s when you hear it. What is that noise? You can’t seem to find it.
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    There’s the humming sound, like a pager, that won’t stop buzzing. You check your cell phone. Nope! It’s not on vibrate. You search around the bedroom trying to locate the sound. And then you find it. In her top drawer. Something that looks like a cross between Darth Vader’s shoe horn and a fluorescent traffic stick used by crossing guards. Yep. You thought she was content with the schedule. Well… not on rainy days.

  1. Wit-cho lying self: Your spouse is going to lie. Every…single….day….. Get ready for it. Oh, it’s not going to be a very big lie (at least it won’t start out that way). It’ll be a lie about something silly like how his day was or where she went. But the lies won’t stop.
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    They’ll become more sophisticated as time goes on. Next thing you know you’re lying about so many things that you both forget what truth even looks like.

  1. Fewer closed-door sessions: That’s right. I said it. Spouses walk in on one another taking dumps. It’s as though time eliminates their overall disgust at smelling waste in a bathroom. Oh you’ll get those that say they love their spouse enough to stomach it. But after kids, grandparents and themselves, it’s a wonder their nostrils even function properly. Expect your husband or wife to need to get in the bathroom during a closed door session. And you’ll probably let them in.
  1. Husbands and wives have a fat fetish: In time the body changes. That’s just a fact of life. Sometimes it changes due to unforeseen illness but mostly it changes due to inactivity. That muscular guy you’re currently dating will morph into that fat dude on the couch.
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    Your voluptuous girlfriend with the gigantic fun bags will change into Chunky Suzy who loves to eat donuts by the dozen. And guess what? Husbands and wives generally move through life without much of a hiccup. It’s as if they accept the changes without any fuss. If your equipment still works after seeing your husband down 2 six packs and eating 5 hotdogs, it’s safe to say you have a fat fetish. What else would possess you to allow the equivalent of a Volkswagon Bug to climb on top of you?