How to Tell if Your Man is on the Down Low

What would you do if this happened to you?

You come home exhausted from a rough day at the office. Upon entering the house you notice your man hasn’t arrived yet. Great…. You were hoping that he would come home a few minutes earlier than you to relieve you of your normal cooking duties.

Feeling like you don’t have an ounce of energy left, you somehow summon the will to get dinner started. After getting things going in the kitchen you flop down on the sofa to settle into some television, hoping you don’t dose off and burn down the house. You flip through channel after channel, feeling sleepier by the second. Finally after landing on the Cooking Channel, you pass out for a few minutes.


About five minutes into your impromptu nap you wake up to a buzzing sound. You look on the table to discover your boyfriend has left his cell phone at the house.

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No wonder he wasn’t responding to your texts earlier that day. You hit the silent button on the side of his cell phone and head to your kitchen to continue your cooking. But the phone immediately buzzes again. Once again you place it on silent. You take two or three steps towards the kitchen and it buzzes again.


You figure that either it’s your boyfriend calling to let you know of his blunder or it’s some kind of family emergency. You pick up his phone and to see what the commotion is all about. Oh… He has his passcode in place. No problem. It could only be one of two passcodes. Either it’s your anniversary or it’s his birthday. Your man is so predictable when it comes to things like that. You enter the first code and gain access on the first try. Told you! He’s so predictable.

Okay…. There are several messages. No biggie. You’ll just open the message and respond if it’s an emergency. His grandmother has been sick lately so it could be some news about what’s going on with her.

You click the open button.

…and that is when you see it.

There’s a picture of a man….. With no clothing….

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The message accompanying the picture reads as follows:

“Hey. Just thinking about last weekend. I can’t wait to get with you tonight. Hurry the **** up. I hope you told Jenny you’re going to be out for a while because we have some serious business to get down to. I’m waiting boo. Hurry up.”

What would you do if you discovered something like this about your man? Would you remain quiet and try to ignore it? Would you confront him as soon as he came home? Would you leave him and expose him to all of his family and friends? Would you forgive him and try to make it work out?

You’ve just entered the world of the Down-low man.

What is a Down-low Man? A Down-low man is a male that maintains a heterosexual relationship but secretly has sex with men.

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The Down-low man doesn’t consider himself “gay” or even “bisexual” but instead considers what he’s doing to be something done out of impression-management; meaning an attempt to change public perception from believing that homosexuality is weak and instead, tries to project a more masculine/complex image of what a strong man is. Their intentional avoidance of informing their female partners of their sexual activity with men leads to a huge link of HIV/AIDS transmissions from the gay community to the heterosexual community.

More and more women are coming forward with stories similar to this one every day. Their tales often involve a man that they have held a long-term relationship.

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One day the woman suddenly discovers that the man she thought she knew for many years has been secretly participating in sex with men. In a lot of these cases the men who participate in this behavior are married with children.

To say that this behavior is disgustingly unfair to the woman is an understatement. The women are not given a fair opportunity to even decide if they want to be a part of such a union.

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They become victims to the selfish desires of the man and are held captive by what that man chooses to divulge to them. In a lot of past cases the men have transmitted HIV/AIDS to their female partners, giving them death sentences without once putting their female partner’s health and wellbeing into consideration.

No sympathy should be given to this type of person. The pain they inflict upon their families is immeasurable. And while cheating with a woman is not really different when it comes to pain, there is a psychological pain that is much worse for women to endure; to question why you weren’t “woman enough” to satisfy your man. It’s a multipronged tortuous act because so many things are linked to this one man; the marriage, the children, the spirit.

So are there any ways for women to avoid such a situation? What are the signs? How can a woman possibly protect herself from an action so vicious? Here are 10 Ways to tell if Your Man is on the Down-low:

  1. Sex: If your sex is really basic and it has become more of a chore to him than an enjoyment then he might have other interests. If he also would like for you to role play in a more masculine role, it may be a sign also.

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  1. The effeminate male friend: Have you checked the kinds of friends a heterosexual guy has? They mostly look like they came from a frat party. Men are no different than wolves. They roam in packs of like-minded individuals. They roam in packs of like-minded individuals. They rarely have one guy in their group who stands out in a “different” kind of way. Keg drinkers don’t usually have 9 other keg drinker buddies and one guava juice pedicure/manicure dude in the mix. If that one guy does exist, it’s probably for a reason.

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  2. Many male friends: And while we’re on the subject of male friends, men don’t usually have 1000 male friends. In fact, the average guy really only rolls with about 3 to 4 male friends. But if you check your man’s cell phone and he has an excessive amount of males (we’re talking 20 or 30) then you need to ask him what’s up. Unless he’s the walking version of a social media platform, nobody has THAT many friends.

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  3. Eye contact: Ladies know this more than men. When you’re flirting with someone a lot of it happens on a non-verbal level. Body signals are sent to let that person know if you’re feeling them or not. Men make that same eye contact with other men, but it’s usually on a “I’m gonna stomp your face in” kind of level. It only happens when men become angry or agitated. But if you’re out and you notice your man is checking dudes out in a romantic kind of way or he’s sending those “Hey, you’re hot” kind of glances, then you may have something to worry about.

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  4. Television: All stereotypes are based on a certain amount of truth. You know how a woman will ask her man about another man being attractive? What does the man usually say?

“No! I ain’t looking at a guy!”

And that’s for a reason. Men hold onto their masculine crowns like it was attached to their bodies. No man wants to ever give another man props when it comes to the physical appearance of another man. It goes against who they are.

So…Say you’re watching television with your man and he keeps commenting about how handsome some male actor is, isn’t that strange? Especially if you as a woman didn’t provoke the comment by asking him. Yeah…. You know what’s up.

7. The Wingman: Let’s say you’re at work and you call your man to stop by to have lunch with you. How are you going to feel if he shows up with someone in the car? Furthermore, how are you going to feel if this is a constant occurrence? You tell your husband to go to the store for some eggs, he has to drop his “boy” off first. You go to a barbeque over at your family’s house, he leaves early to pick up his friend. Come on… The only men that roll together in cars are men going to the same destination on a Friday night, high school kids, or dudes involved in a different kind of way with one another. Men just don’t roll together like that. Hmmm….

8. Accidentally calls you….HIS name: Heterosexual women and men have been guilty of perpetrating this on one another for so long that it’s ridiculous. I mean, who doesn’t know a friend of a friend of a friend that called out the wrong girlfriend’s name while engaged in the act (yeah, you’ve probably done it yourself). If you’re around someone long enough habits like name-calling dig themselves into your routine. So imagine if you’re in bed with your man and he accidentally says a MALE’S NAME. Really? How can he talk his way out of that one? No way! You’ve got to automatically become suspicious.

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9. Experimentation: Hey, if you’re married you’re going to try a few things just to keep the spice alive. You have to. Love can be a boring road if you’re just doing the chocolate and vanilla thing every day. But if your man wants to experiment in areas that just seem too far removed from the heterosexual path, watch out! In particular, if he wants you to do things TO HIM that a woman wouldn’t normally do to her man, be careful. He didn’t pick that up from you.

10. Metrosexual overnight: If you’ve been with your man for years you know his routines. And outside of the blip in his hygienic experimentations, he mostly remains the same. But if your man comes home one day talking about strange things that normal men don’t talk about, he’s getting his info from another source.

11. The underwear: Men don’t shop for sexy underwear. If you were to look at the average man’s underwear you’d see two types of underwear there:

  1. That holey pair with the lasagna waistband that we’ve been keeping since college (and we’ll still try to wear it too).
  2. All of the decent underwear that our girlfriends and wives purchased for us

That’s it! Nothing spectacular to it. Even when your woman wants you to wear something sexy, SHE’S GOING TO BUY IT. Men could care less about underwear. In the realm of making love, it’s as useless to us as a Mercedes under the sheets.

But say you’re home and your husband brings home a big bag of some sexy underwear he purchased from the store.  Huge red flag! Either he’s planning on cheating or he’s doing that other thing. Men just don’t do stuff like that.

When it comes to infidelity it really is a dicey thing. It can happen to anyone at any moment. No one, heterosexual or homosexual, is immune from someone stepping out on them. The best thing any couple can do is to communicate to one another to try to get an idea of likes and dislikes. That is the true shield to protect yourself from pain.